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Creator of the All Hockey Hair Team

03/07/2012, 9:00am CST
By John King

Will Peroxide Jesus Rise Again?

Minnesota Hockey Journal contributor John King recently had the chance to sit down with the reclusive creator of last year’s All Hockey Hair Team viral video (YouTube: All Hockey Hair Team) celebrating the best flow, flop and salads in the state tournament.

John King [JK]: So will there be another video this year?
All Hockey Hair [AHH]: Maybe. We have to see if the teams bring it this year.

JK: What do you mean by “bring it?”
AHH: Well, to be honest I was a little bit disappointed last year. I’m hoping this year’s batch of 16 teams truly commit to some different looks. I’m hoping to expand the palette. The only way to grow is through change.

JK: Wow, that’s deep. What are you doing to prepare for this year’s All Hockey Hair Team?
AHH: Well, I’m fairly low tech. So I’ll head to Walgreen’s and buy some combs to award as trophies for making the team. I’m considering spray-painting them gold this year. I’ve also been listening to Lady GaGa’s new song “Hair” on repeat.

JK: Are there specific looks you’d like to see come to the Xcel this March?
AHH: For sure, there are five looks on my wish list I’m hoping make it to the State Tournament this year. These are my Loch Ness Monster, my Yeti. They need to happen.


JK: What are they?
AHH: The first is called the Clark Gable. It’s part “Hot for Teacher” class nerd, part Cal Clutterbuck swagger.

JK: What does Clutter have to do with it? Isn’t his hair longer on his mustache than his head?
AHH: You’re selling Cal short. He comes out pre-game every night with his hair slicked back and parted Brylcreem style. He’s Revenge of the Nerds meets Raging Bull as he checks himself into the boards during warm-ups. Rumor has it he arrives at Xcel before games with his hair parted that way, often arriving in a sweater vest.

JK: That’s awesome, the Clark Gable. What else?
AHH: We’re also looking for a Tournament Tarzan. I’m hoping there is a kid out there completely growing it out. Part Clay Matthews, part Crystal Gayle. I don’t want to see the numbers on the back of the jersey.

 

JK: Wow, sounds dangerous. 
AHH: Don’t turn a positive into a negative. Tournament Tarzan would have so many options because of the length. He could do the Sacagawea, Cousin It, and a bunch more. But this requires planning ahead.

JK: How about mohawks?
AHH: I get asked that a lot. Mohawks make the list, but I’m specific. I call it the Mr. T. I’m not interested in the basic mohawk – I want to see the old-school Mr. T with the beard attachment. It requires more effort.

JK: Besides, most varsity players should know a thing or two about making “The A Team.”
AHH: Wow, that’s funny. Maybe I should consult you for the video.

JK: OK, we have the Clark Gable, Tournament Tarzan, and the Mr. T – what are your final two? 
AHH: Glad you asked. The last two looks I’d like to see require a player to take one for the team. One is called the Lego Man. It’s something a guy can do with shorter hair but then he needs to plaster his part down low on his forehead. It’s like the football coach Jimmy Johnson hair mixed with a Foosball guy. The hair can’t move, it’s almost like a helmet itself.

JK: Will Lego hair stop concussions?
AHH: No helmets – hair helmets or otherwise – prevent concussions.

JK: And what’s No. 5 on your wish list?
AHH: Lastly, I’d like to see the Clown. This one is doable, but you need to be fearless. You start by growing out your hair, only to shave the top and leave a ring around the back that is long. A lot of clowns sport this look.

JK: Yes, but do players really want to look like clowns before taking on the best in the state?
AHH: I believe some monks also have this hairstyle. 

JK: Good point. Thanks for the chat.

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