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Top Ten Rules For A Successful Season
Editor’s
Note: The following satire was submitted to MHJ and is meant to be just
that, a satire! Please read with this in mind, and enjoy! There are many things
that can make a sports season fun for you, your children and your friends.
Following are my Top Ten Rules for a successful season. 1. YOU ARE
NUMBER ONE: That’s right, you the parent
are number one. This is not about your children and teammates having fun
and learning life’s lessons, this is about you, your social calendar
and your friends. After all, without YOU, there would not be any children
for the coaches, teammates, parents and referees to engage with. 2. SHOW DISRESPECT
FOR THE COACHES: Make sure that if you disagree
with something a coach has done that you immediately bring it to the coach’s
attention. Do not wait any period of time before doing this. Do not wait
until after the game is over and certainly do not wait until you cool
off if you are angry. Also, if you disagree with something the coach has
done make sure your child is within earshot when airing your concerns.
This will heighten the respect your child has for the coach. 3. SHOW DISRESPECT
FOR THE REFEREES: The referees are being
paid big money to officiate these games so make sure to get your money’s
worth. Make them earn their money. Do not, and I repeat, do not become
familiar with the rules of the game before spewing forth vitriol. Show
your children (who do know the rules) what sheer ignorance looks like.
Also, by reminding your child of the shortcomings of the referees it allows
your child the opportunity to take little or no responsibility for their
play and places the responsibility for any loss directly where it belongs
— squarely on the shoulders of the referees. 4. ACT IMMEDIATELY
ON ANY RUMOR: Do not try to ascertain what
the true facts are. Rely on only one source. Do not try to find the truth
when any rumor will do. Again, act immediately and confront whomever it
is that the rumor is about. Remember, this is about YOU. 5. DEFEND THY
CHILD: If you hear something negative about
your child immediately disregard it and defend your child to the earth’s
end. Remember this is YOUR progeny. If a dog bites your child never, ever
ask your child what he or she did to the dog (remember this is your child)
— just shoot the dog. 6. STRESS THE
NEGATIVE: Always stress the negative not
the positive. Do this when talking to your child, other parents and the
coaches. It is especially important to stress the negative to coaches
because they are paid a lot of money, put in very little time and have
a visceral need to be corrected. 7. PLAY FAVORITES:
If you are a coach make sure that you play favorites. If you have lesser
quality players you are doing them a favor by not playing them now. Otherwise
they will just continue to clog up the playing area with their lack of
talent and will preclude you from having a winning season. It is best
to play favorites starting the first year the participant begins to play,
that way you will encourage the non-favorites to understand their inability. 8. IGNORE SHORTCOMINGS:
If your child is not very talented (some are not) ignore that. Get a commitment
from your coach that everyone will play exactly the same amount of time.
Make sure to keep track of the amount of time your child is playing. Use
a stopwatch and keep a chart of this to show the coach if necessary. If
your coach will not agree to exactly equal playing time immediately stir
dissension among the other parents — after all this is your progeny
and YOU were a fourth string end on your high school football team. This
is also a good time to bring up that you paid good money to participate
in this activity and America is, after all, a democracy. 9. REMIND PLAYERS
OF SHORTCOMINGS: Not only their shortcomings
but the short-comings of their teammates, coaches and referees. A real
good time to do this is on the way home from a game. Don’t take your
child’s or your wife’s silence as disagreement or anger —
they are merely cogitating on your words of wisdom. 10. USE SARCASM
AND RIDICULE: This is a very important and
useful tool especially with younger players. It also works very well when
using it in front of other players. Players younger than thirteen have
an innate ability to divine the true meaning behind your words and are
able to respond in a positive way. This also helps them to interact with
others in a positive manner. By ridiculing a player you will increase
that player’s self-esteem and instill in that player a desire to
succeed to greater levels. 11. WIN BABY WIN: That’s all there is. That is what this is about. There is nothing else. Make sure to use “Lombardiisms” with your players, especially if you have never read a book about Vince Lombardi. *I chose to follow the Big Ten and therefore have eleven rules.
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