By John King

An assistant hockey coach is a good gig, if you can get it. As an assistant coach you’re granted many of the privileges of the head coach, with only a fraction of the responsibility. As an assistant coach you really only have two jobs. Number one, always show up. It’s a fine line between assistant coach and “dad who helps out,” and that line is all about attendance. Job two: supply killer warm-up music.

For my U-8 girls this year, I went with the rock solid, if not all that original, “Back in Black” by AC/DC. Angus Young and the boys had our team on a roll when one of the girls asked me if she could bring the music next time. “Sure,” I answered, a bit surprised. Heading to the rink for our next game, I was curious to see what an eight-year-old blueliner clad in her American flag bandana thought was appropriate pump-up music. And more importantly, what in the world trumps AC/DC?

When I arrived and heard the guitar riff from “Welcome to the Jungle” blaring, it validated my whole season as assistant coach. She had chosen arguably the ace of spades of all sports songs. You play that riff, you hear that howl, “Johnny!” and before you know it you’re on your feet. Nothing gets the logo turtlenecks to rise to their feet faster in stadiums and arenas than a little G ’n R.

While “Welcome to the Jungle” may wear the title belt for best sporting event song ever, it isn’t in fact the best hockey song ever. That’s because hockey music is different. Great hockey music, like great hockey hair, has “flow.” What does that mean? It means the rhythm is circular, almost like crossovers. The best hockey music is black t-shirt rock with cycling guitar riffs and headstrong weight-room lyrics.

Let me clarify — when I say hockey music, I’m not talking about the soundtrack for the suits sitting club level to high five each other after a goal. I’m not talking about “Rock & Roll Part II” — ta da ta da ta da hey! I’m not talking about the cute songs about hockey (e.g., “Zamboni”) either. I’m talking specifically about pump-up hockey music. I’m talking about the music you want pre-game when you’re putting on the foil and the music you want blaring on the PA when your coach lets you take your warm-up helmets off.

iPod nation, I give you iPuck, the best hockey music on
the planet, ever.

There’s really only a few types of music that work for hockey pump-up. I’ll start with a category I call mullet-rock: all power chords with just a touch of barbwire tattoo. In this category we have “Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed, “Across the Nation” by the Union Underground, “More Human than Human” by White Zombie. We’ll need some rap metal like “Someday” by Flipsyde, “Red Light — Green Light” by Limp Bizkit, “Boom” by P.O.D., and “Jimmy Mathis” by Bubba Sparxx. Got to have those locker room lyrics, so let’s roll with “Hey Man, Nice Shot” by Filter, “Headstrong” by Earshot, “Stand Up” by Trapt, and “Stronger” by Trust Company. Next, we need straight-ahead arena rock, including “Shoot to Thrill” by AC/DC, “Cold Hard…” by Jet, “Same Ol’ Situation” by Motley Crue, “Down” by Blink 182, and “Right Now” by Van Halen.

We also need a touch of the half-shield pretty-boy cheese like “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers, “Like Eating Glass” by Bloc Party, and “Get Free” by the Vines.
And finally, my first line of hockey pump-up music consists of “Everlong” by the Foo Fighters, “Can’t Stop” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Song 2” by Blur, centered by the definitive hockey pump-up song: “Machinehead” by Bush.

So burn it, because even without enough hockey hair to stick out the back and sides of the helmet, this mix is sure to give you “flow.”

John King grew up playing hockey outdoors in Edina and currently skates once a week with the El Nino Hockey Club.